Why I am sharing...

So, after publishing my first post about my 21 Days of Fasting and Prayer, I felt a bit convicted about sharing my fast in such a public forum. In my devotion yesterday, I was reading from Matthew...

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you." (Matt. 16:16-18, NIV)

WOW! Was this for me? Yes. But, did this mean I needed to take down my blog and stop sharing? I think the answer is no, and let me try to explain why. I think this verse was a gentle reminder that even in my sharing I should not boast about my willpower or in any way imply that I am doing this out of my own strength. And that, my friends, is truly not my heart behind sharing. If you think the TV has stayed off in my house for six days due to any ounce of my strength, then you are so wrong!! If it had been left down to just my willpower, there is no way I would have missed T.G.I.T. tonight with all its Scandal and McDreaminess. And there is definitely no way I would have been able to resist the final, final, final episode of Parenthood.

But, alas, the TV stayed off tonight due completely to the fact that my Father - my loving, caring, kind and gentle Father has given me the strength to walk through this fast. He has also given me the grace to fully experience the refining struggle that is going on within me. It has continued to be hard. I have literally cried because I wanted to turn the TV on so badly - sad to admit. I even threw a straight up temper tantrum yesterday because all I wanted to do was to check out, zone out and tune out with the TV. And God's great mercy covered me for that. Instead, He invited me to dig in, dive in and lean in to His Message of love and hope for me!

We were encouraged last night at our small group not to let this fast bring any shame on us - not to feel guilt for the nagging desires that we feel, for the temptations we seem powerless to overcome or even for the times when our steps may, in fact, falter. Instead, we were invited to walk boldly and confidently into the love, grace and mercy that God is pouring over each of us as we walk through the individual fasts He has called us to.

My hope, sweet friends, in sharing this journey with you is only that you will be ENCOURAGED!
That you will be reminded of God's steadfast love for us.
Of His endless mercies that wait for us new every morning.
And His sweet grace that covers us - even when all we want to do is turn Him off and turn on the TV.

The struggle of silence...

Each year, my church begins the new year with 21 days of Prayer and Fasting. It is a great way to start the year with an attitude of "re-surrender" to God. It is a time to focus and really listen to God and receive His vision for the upcoming year. (Watch this awesome sermon from Sunday about "re-surrender"!)

Most people in the church choose to fast from certain types of food and some people dive in with a purely juice fast. Since I have just started really getting back on track with my nutrition, I decided that a typical fast might not be the best choice for me. Instead, God highlighted an area that He has repeatedly called me to sacrifice in - TELEVISION! Eeeeek! While I have tried repeatedly to surrender in this area, I have not yet been able to completely give up TV for any extended period of time. About six months ago, God spoke very clearly to me asking me to get rid of TV and I did finally get rid of the TV in my bedroom and while that has significantly cut my "screen time" I can still easily spend 2-3 hours a day (or more!) in front of the TV without even thinking about it.

When I am really think about it, I know that the TV is a huge crutch for me. To be perfectly honest, I am truly scared and overwhelmed by complete silence. When I am home by myself, I turn on the TV because it makes me feel less alone. It allows me to become engulfed in the drama of someone else's live - albeit real or fiction - and experience those emotions and situations rather than facing the reality of my own life.

So, on Saturday (1/24/2015) I officially began my 21 days of fasting from TV. And let me be even more specific here - that means no Netflix, no Hulu, no DVDs (except my workout videos), no TV-like entertainment of any kind. I am still allowing myself to watch sermons online and listen to podcasts, but that is the extent of it.

The first two days went by so quickly and were so easy for me. But they were also chocked full of social events, time spent with friends and other activities. Today started the work week though, and as most of you know - I am currently out of work. So, I woke up this morning with the prospect of a full day with nothing to do. Nothing to fill the spaces and the voids that I saw in front of me. I'll be truthful and admit that I panicked when the alarm went off and simply went back to bed for a couple of hours!

I have tried to dig into a couple of books that I have had sitting on my bedside table for months and months, but to no avail. I am still overcome by this overwhelming sense of loneliness, uselessness and uncertainty. 

The good news is - I am NOT giving up and I am NOT giving in. I know these feelings are lies and that I am not only surrounded by wonderful people in my life, but even more importantly, I am FOREVER in the presence of the most loving, present and gentle God I could ever know. So, I am putting on my praise music and I am going to worship through it. After all, fasting is more an act of worship than it is an act of sacrifice. So I'm "gonna lift my hands 'til I can reach Heaven, I'm gonna shout Your name 'til the walls come falling down!"

My hope and prayer during this fast is that I will move from the struggle of silence to appreciating and even longing for the beauty and the glory of silence. I pray that I will become even more comfortable being still in God's presence and waiting to hear from Him.

Stay plugged in here as I continue to blog throughout this 21 day journey and beyond...