Leaving Elim...

After the Israelites crossed the Red Sea, they came to a place called Elim. It is described as a place where there were twelve springs of water and seventy palm trees. (Exodus 15) Now that sounds like an oasis I would like to visit! If we study the entire exodus of the Israelites, we find that they stayed in Elim for a good bit of time. At least a month or two before they came to the wilderness. I would stayed much longer - I can only imagine that I would never want to leave.

I remember as I recently started my journey with 10,000 Fathers worship school that I often said I felt like I had arrived at an oasis in the desert. Our first week long intensive was truly a time of refreshing and restoring for my spirit, soul and body. In fact, it felt a bit like I had found my own personal Elim.

We do this a lot as humans. We seek oasis in a person, a group of people, a feeling, a place or an event. We may find places where we feel more refreshed or people with whom we find a sense of connectedness and belonging. But these are all temporary - they may even be mirages that preventsus from finding the true oasis that our heart longs for.

We learn about this true oasis with the Samaritan woman as she meets Jesus at the well in John chapter 4. In their conversation, Jesus tells her that the water she is seeking at the well, the physical water, is a temporary solution. Everyone who drinks of that water will be thirsty again. But He tells her that if she "knew the gift of God...[she] would have asked Him and He would have given [her] living water." He goes on to say that "whoever drinks of this water will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." She came to the well searching for a physical oasis, a temporary solution to her immediate need. But Jesus showed her an eternal solution for the very longing of her heart.

I found a solution to my immediate need when I arrived at worship school. The "feeling" of the oasis I found there was a temporary one and it left me soon after returning home and being snowed in by the biggest storm we have seen here in years. I spent most of today wondering where that feeling had gone and why I was being set off by simple things - I nearly exploded over silly, trivial issues that would normally not even cause me a second thought. I wanted to go back to the place, the people and the feeling of peace that I had found at worship school.

Just like the Israelites had to leave Elim, I had to leave worship school and return home. But here's the awesome part about leaving Elim - GOD WENT WITH THEM! That refreshing and restoring the Israelites received at the waters of Elim - God still gave that to them through His presence, His provision and His great love for His people. We see it even in the very next chapter (Exodus 16) as God provides abundantly in the form of quail and manna. We see it as the tabernacle is built and God literally takes up residence among His people. (Exodus 40)

Even as I left my own personal Elim and returned home - GOD CAME WITH ME. And as He so gently reminded me tonight, HE is the true oasis that my heart longs for. Yes, the people, places and opportunities He brings into my life are true blessings. But they are merely an outflow of the great gift of God's presence. If I kept trying to recreate that Elim or stay in that place forever, I would miss the glorious blessing of simply being in the Father's presence. What a gift to know that He is always present, He is always with me and I need only to turn to Him to find the refreshing and restoring that my heart needs in any given moment.

Just like the Samartian woman at the well, I found myself tonight with a very real, immediate physical need that I longed to fill by returning to a time and place like Elim. Perhaps as you read this you find yourself longing to return to your own personal Elim. I would encourage you instead to meet Jesus at the well of your need and allow Him to give you the living water you need that will well up inside you as a spring of water to eternal life.

"When the poor and needy seek water.
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights, 
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry lands springs of water."
Isaiah 41:17-18

Not what I expected to write tonight...

I sat down tonight to write an entirely different blog. I was feeling quite emotional this evening after watching the news and reflecting on everything that is going on down the street, around the world and in the lives of dear friends. Quite frankly, I was sad and I was going to write out my feelings. But instead, I was drawn to this post that I published two years ago to the day. (well, pretty close to the day since it is almost midnight.)

And I am so glad I read this again. Many of you know that I started this 40 by 40 project a couple of years back and as has been typical of other projects in the past, I went at it like gangbusters at first but then let it die down as I got involved in other projects. After reading this post, I was tempted to buy into the lie that this is just who I am and let it go, but I have recently been learning that our behavior is not always a reflection of who we truly are or who we were truly meant to be.

Sometimes we let our behavior be shaped by the broken world we live in.
Sometimes our behavior results from a false identity that does not reflect who God says we truly are.

And sometimes our behavior is born out a series of past hurts and disappointments that we are either not ready, or not willing to forgive and release.

Well, tonight, I am setting my mind on the truth of God's word that tells me in Ephesians that WHO I really am, the person I am meant to be, is a chosen Daughter of God who has been blessed with every spiritual blessing and who has been made holy and blameless in Christ Jesus.

Now does that sound like someone who consistently starts projects and never finishes them? NOPE, not to me! I am claiming my true identity in Christ and declaring now that I will allow my gracious Father to complete all the good works that He has begun in my life and bring them to completion! And that includes my 40 by 40 project! So stay tuned to Mary's 40 by 40! because the adventure continues.

And for tonight, enjoy a stroll down memory lane with me as we recall my FIVE WISHES for this exciting endeavor...


Originally posted 5/1/2013
I had a major realization while reading my most recent personal development book tonight. I have been reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It is also titled "Why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun." If you haven't read it yet, definitely check it out as soon as possible - guaranteed to give you a fresh perspective on life and being happy.

In her quest for happiness, Gretchen set up a lot of structure before beginning her project. She had a list of Twelve Commandments that she followed and Secrets to Adulthood that she referenced frequently. And she created a resolutions chart for each month with specific resolutions she would practice everyday during that month.

It finally dawned on my that one of the reasons I have had difficulty sticking to my 40 by 40 project is that I never gave it a real sense of definition - no purpose, no end goal. Sure, I wanted to try 40 new things by the time I turned 40, but WHY? To what END?

So, I have decided to lay out my FIVE WISHES for this project.

WISH #1 - Try new things! This one is obvious. By the end of this project, I hope that I have tried a huge variety of new things that I would have never imagined that I would try before. I imagine that some of these things I will greatly enjoy and others...not so much. But even through the process of trying I believe that I will gain new confidence and learn more about myself.

WISH #2 - Build new relationships and strengthen old ones! If you are new to my blog, what you don't know is that anyone can suggest an activity to add to my list of 40 by 40, but they must then also be involved in that task somehow.

Two examples - one of the items I have tackled (but not yet blogged about) was learning to handle and shoot a gun. My dad was a hunter and a soldier and my memories of him carry a strong attachment to these two identities of his. For that reason, I wanted me dad to teach me to shoot a gun. Without giving too much away, and spoiling an upcoming blog post, I spent a lovely day with my father over the Christmas holiday learning how to load a gun, handle it properly, shoot it and care for it. Everyone else in my family experienced this with my father at a much younger age, but my fear of loud noises prevented it for a long time. But finally, I was able to connect in a real way to this side of my father that I had never entirely understood before.

Also, I have recently been walking with a neighbor of mine in the morning and we are really becoming fast friends. One of the things she enjoys, and is quite gifted at, is cake decorating. She is teaching a class locally for the first time and her beginning class did not enroll fully, so she suggested that I take it and add it to my list of 40 by 40! Fantastic! Not only do I get to try something new and WAY out of my comfort zone, but I also get to know her better and support one of her passions.

WISH #3 - Explore my passions! One of the BIG activities that I had on my 40 by 40 list from the very beginning was to put up my own cabaret show. As many of you know, I am doing just that this summer through the Capital Fringe Festival. As a result, I am spending time with music I have loved for my entire life, taking voice lessons again, working with an extremely talented director who I connect with on so many levels and just singing my heart out as often as I can. While this is a stressful undertaking at times, it is also one that brings me tremendous joy because I am devoting large chunks of time to something I simply LOVE to do.

WISH #4 - BE MARY! I can't lie, I stole this one straight out of The Happiness Project, but it is just so perfect. I have spent entirely too much time in my life trying to make myself be who I thought I SHOULD be, or trying to enjoy activities because someone else enjoyed them, or attempting to conquer new skills just because I wished they were something I really enjoyed. Well, the rules for this project are that I will not do anything that simply does not give me some form of excitement when I think about doing it.

If you've been following my blog, you know that the first task I tackled was baking a cake from scratch. This was not my idea and probably something I would not have selected on my own, but when my sister suggested it, I was excited. I like cake and I have always been fascinated by the chemistry and the science of baking, so I found the nugget of it that intrigued me and ended up enjoying the experience.

However, another friend suggested that I join her for a weekend of hiking and camping. I immediately knew that this was something that was VERY likely to make me miserable and not likely at all to make me happy. Some of you know well the miserable trip I took in high school hiking and camping through the wilderness for a week. So, this suggestion isn't making my list and I will not feel bad about it. I wish I enjoyed camping and being outdoors more, but the simple truth is that I do not. And through this project I hope to stay true to who I really am and what I really enjoy at my core.

WISH #5 - Finish what I started! I am very good at starting projects, extremely good at it, in fact. But rarely do I finish big projects that I start. This often leaves me feeling defeated, unfulfilled and stricken with guilt. But with this project, I WILL see it through to the end and the simple act of accomplishment is sure to bring me a GREAT amount of joy!

So, those are my FIVE WISHES and I hope that by focusing on these and measuring each activity by them, I will remain more focused, mindful and present during the entirety of this journey!

I have a renewed excitement and can't wait to share with you all the tasks that I have already accomplished in upcoming posts.

If you were writing your FIVE WISHES for your journey, what would they be? 

Share them in the comments below!

Some more thoughts about my dog...

I got to hang out with one of my dearest friends on Valentine's Day again this year and we spent some time talking about our futures and discussing some big dreams that we both have. I won't reveal yet which big dream brought this blog to mind because that is going to stay under wraps for a bit while things are in development. But in the meantime, I want to share this little piece I put together for a friend's baby shower several years ago.

A good friend that I worked with at the time was expecting and our department threw a shower for her. We put together a book of advice for her and since I do not have any children of my own, I shared advice from my own unique perspective. See what you think!

Everything I know about parenting, I learned from my dog...

1) Pee and Poop in the appropriate places. 

The diaper will do for now, but as you progress to more advanced training, the potty is a much better choice.

2)  Come when called.

This one is hard, but food is always helpful as a motivator.

3)  Sleep in your own bed.

As the saying goes, “There are no one night stands with a dog.  Once you let your pet into your bed, it’s hard to get him out.”  I believe the same holds true for a child.  Decide now how much you value the space in your bed!

4)  Practice good manners when meeting new people. 

For the dog this means not jumping up on visitors, but since your little one won’t be able to stand yet, I would stick to making sure she doesn’t spit-up on new guests.

5)  Show off with fun tricks.

In the dog world, one of the favorites is lay down.  Your child will have this covered immediately.  Try to shoot for something more challenging, like speak.

6)  Walk nicely on a leash. 

Well, maybe you should pass on this one with a kid. 

7)  Get along well with others. 

The dog owners call this “socialization.”  For your child you will probably call it something like a “play date.”  No matter what any of us call it, it’s really just an excuse for Mom to have some time with her friends!

8)  Love unconditionally. 

This one is easy with dogs and babies.  They will both give you enough love and smiles to last a lifetime.  Enjoy it now because unlike a dog, babies can forget this training once they get a little older!

A sweet gift from my Father...

Y'all, this fast has been hard, like monumentally, trying to break me kind of hard. Please hear my heart on this - I am so thankful for this time of fasting and prayer and what I am learning. So, I say this not to complain, but to clearly express a few things...

1. My flesh is WEAK! I crave TV like you might crave a drug. It is sad and I am so thankful for this time to get real about that and break my dependency on the television as a companion.
2. When you commit to a time of prayer and fasting, a time of intentionally seeking God's heart, the enemy comes at you with both guns blazing!
3. In the spirit of being brutally honest, being ALONE is my biggest fear and I have been confronted with it HEAD-ON during this fast!

So, all of that brings me to today when I basically laid in my bed for the majority of the day feeling completely overwhelmed, ALONE and unable to stand up under the weight of it all anymore. I felt miserable and I was probably also miserable to be around, but there was no one to tell me that except for my dog - and she has yet to master the ability to speak.

Even when it came time to head to church - which is a place I LOVE to be - it took every ounce of energy to convince myself to get out of bed, take a shower and head out the door. But I did and even when I got there, I was still pretty miserable. I was angry and sad and still lonely, even though I was surrounded by loads of people.

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Now bear with me and follow me off this other side path for a moment while I share a small story with you. When I get home at night, the first thing I do is greet my dog and then head to the back door to let her out. If it is particularly dark, or cold, or windy or scary out there, she will go halfway out the door and then turn around to make sure I'm there. And on some nights, like tonight, she won't go out at all until I come and stand at the door to watch over her. 

My dog KNOWS that she is loved. She KNOWS that I am here and that I am not leaving her, but sometimes she just really, really needs to know FOR SURE that I am really there. And so, I take the few extra steps to the door to let her KNOW, KNOW that I am here.

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Now, back to my story. At church tonight, our worship pastor asked if anyone had a prayer request to share and my heart began to beat out of my chest. I am normally very good with brutal honesty and sharing what I am dealing with, but tonight I did not want to. I was embarrassed to admit that something that seems so trivial - giving up TV - for three weeks has nearly wrecked me. But I really felt that I was being urged on to share my heart and my story truthfully and bravely. And so I did. I shared that I was feeling utterly alone and I asked them to partner with me in praying against this spirit of loneliness and fear.

And when I did, nearly the ENTIRE room - more than 30 people - immediately stood to their feet and surrounded me and laid hands on me and prayed with me and hugged me and scheduled dates with me. And even after I left church people were calling me and messaging me and texting me to check on me.  

In other words, God got up and walked the few extra feet to the back door with me and let me know, like REALLY KNOW, that He is here with me.  I KNOW that I am loved and I KNOW that God is with me and He will NEVER leave me. But sometimes, when I get extra lonely, I need to KNOW - KNOW that He is there for me. And He never hesitates to take the few extra steps and stand at the door with me to let me know that He is there. 

My dear friends, please know tonight that YOU ARE LOVED, that GOD IS WITH YOU and if you need it, just ask - He will take a few extra steps just to remind you that He is really there!

Why I am sharing...

So, after publishing my first post about my 21 Days of Fasting and Prayer, I felt a bit convicted about sharing my fast in such a public forum. In my devotion yesterday, I was reading from Matthew...

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you." (Matt. 16:16-18, NIV)

WOW! Was this for me? Yes. But, did this mean I needed to take down my blog and stop sharing? I think the answer is no, and let me try to explain why. I think this verse was a gentle reminder that even in my sharing I should not boast about my willpower or in any way imply that I am doing this out of my own strength. And that, my friends, is truly not my heart behind sharing. If you think the TV has stayed off in my house for six days due to any ounce of my strength, then you are so wrong!! If it had been left down to just my willpower, there is no way I would have missed T.G.I.T. tonight with all its Scandal and McDreaminess. And there is definitely no way I would have been able to resist the final, final, final episode of Parenthood.

But, alas, the TV stayed off tonight due completely to the fact that my Father - my loving, caring, kind and gentle Father has given me the strength to walk through this fast. He has also given me the grace to fully experience the refining struggle that is going on within me. It has continued to be hard. I have literally cried because I wanted to turn the TV on so badly - sad to admit. I even threw a straight up temper tantrum yesterday because all I wanted to do was to check out, zone out and tune out with the TV. And God's great mercy covered me for that. Instead, He invited me to dig in, dive in and lean in to His Message of love and hope for me!

We were encouraged last night at our small group not to let this fast bring any shame on us - not to feel guilt for the nagging desires that we feel, for the temptations we seem powerless to overcome or even for the times when our steps may, in fact, falter. Instead, we were invited to walk boldly and confidently into the love, grace and mercy that God is pouring over each of us as we walk through the individual fasts He has called us to.

My hope, sweet friends, in sharing this journey with you is only that you will be ENCOURAGED!
That you will be reminded of God's steadfast love for us.
Of His endless mercies that wait for us new every morning.
And His sweet grace that covers us - even when all we want to do is turn Him off and turn on the TV.

The struggle of silence...

Each year, my church begins the new year with 21 days of Prayer and Fasting. It is a great way to start the year with an attitude of "re-surrender" to God. It is a time to focus and really listen to God and receive His vision for the upcoming year. (Watch this awesome sermon from Sunday about "re-surrender"!)

Most people in the church choose to fast from certain types of food and some people dive in with a purely juice fast. Since I have just started really getting back on track with my nutrition, I decided that a typical fast might not be the best choice for me. Instead, God highlighted an area that He has repeatedly called me to sacrifice in - TELEVISION! Eeeeek! While I have tried repeatedly to surrender in this area, I have not yet been able to completely give up TV for any extended period of time. About six months ago, God spoke very clearly to me asking me to get rid of TV and I did finally get rid of the TV in my bedroom and while that has significantly cut my "screen time" I can still easily spend 2-3 hours a day (or more!) in front of the TV without even thinking about it.

When I am really think about it, I know that the TV is a huge crutch for me. To be perfectly honest, I am truly scared and overwhelmed by complete silence. When I am home by myself, I turn on the TV because it makes me feel less alone. It allows me to become engulfed in the drama of someone else's live - albeit real or fiction - and experience those emotions and situations rather than facing the reality of my own life.

So, on Saturday (1/24/2015) I officially began my 21 days of fasting from TV. And let me be even more specific here - that means no Netflix, no Hulu, no DVDs (except my workout videos), no TV-like entertainment of any kind. I am still allowing myself to watch sermons online and listen to podcasts, but that is the extent of it.

The first two days went by so quickly and were so easy for me. But they were also chocked full of social events, time spent with friends and other activities. Today started the work week though, and as most of you know - I am currently out of work. So, I woke up this morning with the prospect of a full day with nothing to do. Nothing to fill the spaces and the voids that I saw in front of me. I'll be truthful and admit that I panicked when the alarm went off and simply went back to bed for a couple of hours!

I have tried to dig into a couple of books that I have had sitting on my bedside table for months and months, but to no avail. I am still overcome by this overwhelming sense of loneliness, uselessness and uncertainty. 

The good news is - I am NOT giving up and I am NOT giving in. I know these feelings are lies and that I am not only surrounded by wonderful people in my life, but even more importantly, I am FOREVER in the presence of the most loving, present and gentle God I could ever know. So, I am putting on my praise music and I am going to worship through it. After all, fasting is more an act of worship than it is an act of sacrifice. So I'm "gonna lift my hands 'til I can reach Heaven, I'm gonna shout Your name 'til the walls come falling down!"

My hope and prayer during this fast is that I will move from the struggle of silence to appreciating and even longing for the beauty and the glory of silence. I pray that I will become even more comfortable being still in God's presence and waiting to hear from Him.

Stay plugged in here as I continue to blog throughout this 21 day journey and beyond...